I once had a pitch at a major German airline. I knew that a firm I was familiar with had gone before me: very professional, very polished, internationally known.
When it was my turn, I asked the colleague who had invited me: “I know the others were here. So how were they?”
He said: “Super professional. Perfectly prepared. A top-notch presentation.” Then he paused. And into that pause he said: “But they didn’t ask a single question.”
To which I said: “Then the best presentation is no use. So what matters to you in this project?”
With that question I was in.
Why This Isn’t an Anecdote
I don’t tell this because I was smarter. I tell it because it shows a pattern I’ve found again in hundreds of conversations since: whoever asks, leads.
We believe the one who talks the most controls the conversation. The opposite is true. Whoever talks, delivers. Whoever asks, decides what gets delivered.
Four questions are enough to steer an entire conversation. You barely need any speaking time for it.
I make this visible in workshops by playing the difficult counterpart in a role-play. I say almost nothing. I only ask: How are you? What’s the agenda? What do you need? What’s your proposal? Afterward the participants regularly ask why they had the feeling of being on the defensive. The answer is in the four questions.
The Category Everyone Skips
If questions are so effective, it would help to know which ones you can ask. For that I work with six categories that together give a fairly complete picture:
- Demographics — age, occupation, education, places.
- Psychographics — interests, lifestyle, values, beliefs.
- Needs and motivation — what drives them, which goals, which worries.
- Behavior and habits — routines, media use, decision paths.
- Communication preferences — which channel, how often, what pace, what tone.
- Environment — family, colleagues, culture, trends.
I have groups gather their own ideas first, before I show the grid. The task sounds harmless: imagine you had a first date tonight — which three questions do you absolutely want answered?
The answers almost always fall into the same two categories: hobbies, music, animals, lifestyle. And: what’s important to you in life?
One category is practically always missing entirely: communication preferences. Nobody asks how the other person wants to be approached.
On a date, nobody asks about the channel. With a client, an executive or a new team, that’s exactly what decides whether the collaboration runs smoothly or grinds.
One Question That Almost Always Pays Off
When I start working with someone new, I ask this question early: what has to happen for our collaboration to work well for you?
The answers are astonishingly concrete. Some want everything in writing, others would rather pick up the phone. Some want to hear weekly where things stand, others feel controlled by that. Some need the decision proposal delivered along with it, others want to weigh the options themselves.
None of that is in a proposal. And none of it can be found out by presenting better.
The Signal That’s Easy to Miss
There’s a dialogue I’ve heard a hundred times. One side says: “I have other projects, I have to prioritize, I don’t have time for this.” The other: “But we hardly need any of your time.” — “I’m completely full though.” — “It really is just a little.” — “I just told you, I’m full.”
Ping, pong, ping, pong.
When people repeat themselves, they don’t feel understood. Whoever was understood doesn’t need to repeat anything.
The mistake in this dialogue isn’t stubbornness. It’s a lack of concreteness. “Not much time” isn’t information, it’s an imposition — the other person has to guess what they’re getting into.
As soon as it gets concrete, it can be negotiated: I need you two hours a week, one at the start, one at the end. Can you still manage that? Now the other person can say yes or no — and either is better than the ping-pong.
Three Things for Your Next Important Conversation
- Prepare three questions beforehand — not three arguments.
- Ask at least one question from a category you normally skip. Most often it’s the one about communication preference.
- When someone repeats themselves, stop arguing and get concrete.
The remarkable thing about it: it costs you nothing and makes the conversation shorter, not longer.
Once a month I write about moments like these — what really happens in conversations and what you can take away from it. If that interests you, sign up for the newsletter below.
